Please tell me you remember Trapper Keepers. Please!
I say this because I recently made a passing comment about Trapper Keepers to a group of teenagers and they looked at me like I had spoken in some ancient tribal dialect. They asked, while offering an unappreciated eye-roll, “Dude, what is a Trapper Keeper?”
(deep breaths . . . go to your happy place . . . deep breaths)
Has it really come to this? Really???
When Members Only Jackets stopped hanging from the shoulders of the cool kids in middle schools, yes, I was a little shocked, but I lived with it. When scientists stripped Pluto of its planet status, I had to admit that I didn’t see that one coming, but life went on. When network fat cats ignored my letters and took “The Dukes of Hazzard” off the air, of course I was crushed, but at least I still had my Daisy Duke poster.
But when an American icon like the Trapper Keeper falls into the abyss of national amnesia and suffers the same fate as MC Hammer, Falcon Crest and roller derby, then we’ve really hit rock bottom, haven’t we?
Thanks to a bunch of pubescent tweeps, my world is spinning. And the way I see it, there is only one way to regain equilibrium: I shall train my children in the ancient ways.
Tonight, I’m going to sit down with my masculine child and my princess and regale them with stories of my first pair of Chuck Taylors, how Pong revolutionized my life, why Princess Lea was my first love, that wearing your collar flipped up is always awesome and that — no matter what ANYBODY tells them — a new Trapper Keeper will always be the best part of a school year!
And one day, some other handsome, courageous copywriter will mention the glory that is the Trapper Keeper to a group of teenagers, and through a sea of blank expressions staring back at him, his eyes will be drawn to my two informed and educated devotees nodding in shared understanding and mutual appreciation.
In that moment, he will realize that the torch has been passed. He’ll lay his head down that night, knowing that there is hope for a better tomorrow . . a tomorrow where we all have new, amazing and appreciated Trapper Keepers.